Matatu maRengi ayo Atinoona Ekuroora

Mune ichangopfuura op-ed mu Dallas Mangwanani Nhau , David Brooks akakurukura nezvaanodaidza kuti maalensi matatu kuburikidza nawo anozivikanwa tsika kuona roorano. Iyo lens yezvepfungwa inotarisa pazvinhu zvinoenderana (semuenzaniso, hunhu, hunhu, mari, chishuwo chepabonde). Izvi zvinotaura kune izvo ini zvandinowanzoreva sedambudziko repakati muhukama- - kureva, kuti zvinosanganisira vanhu. Uye sezvaungangodaro waona, kubata nevanhu kunogona kuoma. Hukama hwakawanda, kunyangwe paine mibairo mizhinji, pane imwe nguva inova isina kugadzikana, inoremedza, inotsamwisa, isinganetsi, uye / kana kunetsa. Izvi zvinomutsa mubvunzo wekuti veruzhinji veAmerica vane dumbu rehukama chaihwo; ndiko kuti, hukama uhwo hwevadikani vanotora zvakashata nezvakanaka.

Imwe nzira yekutarisa lens rekutanga iri kubva kune yekubatanidza maonero. Chinongedzo chinoreva mhando yekuchengetedza uye kuchengetedzeka muhukama. Mukuroora, pfungwa yevakachengetedzeka yekuchengetedza kubva pahukama hwavo hwepakutanga uye kutarisira kwavo zvinhu zvakashata zvichiitika zvinotungamira mukubatana kwavo kwevakuru. Izvi zvinoreva kuti kana iwe nemumwe wako muri kusangana nenyaya dzekuenderana, mikana ndeyekuti mumwe kana mese muri vaviri murikukonzera zvakanaka pamwe nendangariro dzakaipa kubva kuhukama hwekare. Kana iwe usinganzwisise izvi uye ukadzidza kugamuchira nekutarisira mumwe nemumwe - zvakanyanya sekurera kwaungaita mwana kana kubata chipfuwo - kunyunyuta nezvehasha, kutya, kuremara, kuomerera, nezvimwe zvakadaro zvinova chikonzero chekupangana mazano muwanano kana kuyananisa.

Lens yechipiri yaBrooks inotarisa kudanana kwerudo. Chete chikamu chidiki chenguva dzerudo-based unions dzinopfuura muyedzo wenguva. Muchokwadi, tsika yedu inochengetedza dzakasiyana ngano dzerudo, senge pane mweya mumwe chete kunze kwako, uye unofanira kuzvida usati wada mumwe. Vanhu vazhinji vanoroora nekuda kwerudo sekunge ndicho chete chinhu chaigona kuvachengeta pamwechete. Ichokwadi kuti zvisikwa zvinotipa jet-yakawedzera libido pakutanga kwehukama, asi izvo hazvipe chivimbo chenguva refu, chinofadza hukama. Ichokwadi ndechekuti rudo rwakakura runovandudzwa kuburikidza nekudya kwemazuva ese kwewanano uye kuzvipira kuhukama, izvo zvinopa iyo oxygen iyo inobvumidza vakaroorana kuti vararame uye vafare mune zvinowoneka zvehupenyu.

Ndiri mumiriri weyandinodaidza kuti hukama-hwakachengeteka hukama. Izvi zvinoreva kuti iwe nemumwe wako munoshanda sevanhu vaviri-vepfungwa maitiro nenzira inobatana zvizere, kuwirirana, uye kufunga. Pasina kupokana, kana iwe nemumwe wako mukaisa hukama hwenyu pekutanga uye mukatarisa pane kugara zvakanaka kweumwe muchakohwa zvakanakira munguva pfupi uye kwenguva refu. Nenzira iyi, iwe uripo, sekuda kwangu kutaura, mune gava pamwe chete, umo mave nemisana yemumwe neumwe uye nekusiyana kubvisa chero pfungwa yekusagadzikana kana kutyisidzira muhukama.

Iyo lens yechitatu ndeye, kwandiri, pamwe inonyanya kukosha. Pano, Brooks iri kutaura nezve iyo tsika tsika, uye kunyanya kukosha kwekuzvipira. Kana vadyidzani vakaisa hukama hwavo pekutanga vobva vaiona sehanzi inozoisa zai regoridhe, sekutaura, vanowanzo chengetedza sekunge hupenyu hwavo hwaitsamira pairi. Ndiri kusimbisa kuti hupenyu hwavo zvirizvo zvinoenderana nazvo. Hunhu hutsika hwakaiswa mukuchengetedzana kwechinhu chechitatu ichi - gadziriro yevaviri - yakakosha kwete chete kune vavanofambidzana asiwo kune vana vavo nevamwe vese mukutenderera kwavo. Marital system ndiyo diki diki yenzanga. Vakaroorana havasisiri vanhuwo zvavo; asi, ivo vari kubatsira kuboka iro rinozovapa izvo zvavanoda kuti vabudirire muhupenyu, mukati nekunze kwehukama.

Lens iyi inotarisa pane chechitatu icho chakakura kudarika vamwe vacho. Mune imwe nzira, hukama hunogona kuremekedzwa munzira iyo vamwe vanogovana nekuremekedza Mwari kana mwana wavo. Icho chiitiko chinogona kunge chiri chemweya chaizvo.

Ini ndinoda kubvunza vakaroorana kana ivo vakagadzirira kushanduka sevanhu-vaviri system umo kuzvifarira kusingakunde zvakajairika zvakanaka. Zvinosuruvarisa, mune zvandakaona, vakaroorana vakawandisa vari mugungwa kana zvasvika pakupindura mibvunzo yakakosha zvikuru: “Chii chinangwa chekuroora? Chii chaunoitirana iwe chausingakwanise kubhadhara mumwe munhu kuti aite? Chii chinoita kuti imi vaviri mukoshe? Chii chaunoshumira? Unoshumira ani? Iyi mibvunzo mikuru yetsika. Nepo wezvematongerwo enyika muongorori David Brooks achishandisa lens iyi kutsanangura kuderera kwewanano, ini ndinosarudza kuona mariri mufananidzo wakajeka wehungwaru, hwakabatana zvikuru kudzidza nezvewanano izvo zvinogona kutitungamira kuhukama hwakachengeteka-hunoshanda.

Zvinyorwa

Brooks, D. (2016, Kukadzi 24). Nei hunhu hwepakati nepakati hwewanano huri kudzikira. Dallas Mangwanani Nhau . Kudzorerwa kubva ku http://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/latest-columns/20160224-david-brooks-why-the-quality-of-the-average-marriage-is-in-decline.ece

Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: Kunzwisisa sei uropi hwemumwe wako kunogona kukubatsira kudzora kukakavara uye kumutsa kushamwaridzana. Oakland, CA: Nyowani Harbinger.

Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired yekufambidzana: Kunzwisisa sei neurobiology uye yekubatanidza maitiro zvinogona kukubatsira iwe kuwana wako akakodzera mukadzi . Oakland, CA: Nyowani Harbinger.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, ndiye munyori weWired for Love uye Wired for Dating uye Brain Yako paRudo, uye coauthor weRudo neHondo muhukama hwehukama. Ane kiriniki yekudzidzira muSouth CA, anodzidzisa kuKaiser Permanente, uye anobatsira purofesa wekiriniki kuUCLA. Tatkin akagadzira Psychobiological Inosvika kune Couple Therapy® (PACT) uye pamwe chete nemukadzi wake, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, akatanga iyo PACT Institute.